Archive, sunlight, goodbyes

I finally sent out the texts that had been in drafts since a day ago. 

11:16pm

"heyyy, I know it's pretty obvious, but just wanna clear things up for myself haha" 

"I guess you're not interested in taking this further anymore? haha" 

It was one tick until late night. I gave up waiting and I went to sleep. 

My company had a conference today and I needed to get there early. I woke at six something. It was still a single tick. 

To be very frank, I got sad for a little but I had little time too. 

I was slightly late to the venue. His texts came in when I was one turn away. 

8:32am

"Morningggg I don't mind getting to know you still la hahaa"

"But I did come back from work pretty late last night" 

"How's it going" 

I didn't know how I should've felt. But I did have some thoughts.

1) If he's really not interested at all, he could've just say no 

2) But then, he might be just fishing 

3) What the fuck is "I don't mind"? 

I decided I had more important stuffs, and I left them there. 

It was a long day. I got home at five something. I finally had the energy to reply - or more like, the energy to reply and be ready to let the potential meaningless emotions feed on me again. 

6:07pm

"Ok now I'm even more confused haha. Didn't think that you're keen in keeping in touch haha since you didn't text" 

"Yea I needed to co-moderate for a conference today" 

I didn't even know why I bothered to add in the second sentence. And, I think I did a pretty good job in letting him know what exactly he did to make me feel how I felt. 

But then, why the effort if the other doesn't care? 

I really didn't stalk his read status after sending out the messages. It was 100% an accident when I saw the double tick at around 8pm or something. 

I got really pissed. What are all these? 

What was I doing if not being a clown all the time? 

I could either wait until he texts back, if he does.

Or, I could just double (or actually, triple) text him to show my anger.  

What's the point of both though? 

The sadness came again and it was not letting go. I decided to go with it and I scrolled back all the conversations we had. 

It was really a wonderful conversation I ever had in such a long, long time. I really needed that.

And that's the point, isn't it? It happened, and the feelings were real. 

Nothing will ever change that. Not the fact that he left me on seen, and not my sadness now.

Life gave me the chance to realise that I can still imagine a future with someone else, that I still believe in love, that I can still feel.  

And that's more than enough. 

I decided it shall be the last scroll and I deleted that chat. 

He might text me back or he might not. It doesn't matter now. It shouldn't matter now. I matter and my feelings matter.

Not all goodbyes need to be said out loud.

I will give myself the closure that I need. And, I will thank myself for that.