narcissism

I've got quite a number of drafts lying around here for a good few weeks so I decided to combine them and publish them in one go. Have fun reading my boring diaries.

1

I woke up feeling like shit again today. 

I took my phone and ordered food to force myself out of bed. These days, I had been trying to wake at 7am, something I don't really have full control over. It was 10am something today, which isn't really bad considering I slept at 3am last night. 

After last night's alcohol escaped from my system, the empty feeling came back. 

I don't even know why this has been bothering me for so long.

2

That other day, I told my counsellor that I don't think I'm worthy of anything good or anything that I want. 

It's true that this thought has always been ghosting into my mind every now and then. Just on some Monday, I woke up and I thought of this, before my eyes and my nose started feeling weird and I whimpered. 

The last time I felt this way was when my ex told me he loved me. Yes, I was happy, but also worried. 

And you know what happened next. Worries translated into insecurities, insecurities turned into clinginess, and clinginess remolded into fights. It was ugly. 

He followed up with me this, 

"Who do you think worth it, then?" 

OK, this caught me right on the spot. I got quiet and I started thinking about this question that I had never thought of.

I had an obscure answer. Not being petty? Not being toxic? Not being insecure? 

Truth is I always feel inferior in front of people I like, that I look up to. I know, it's toxic as fuck. But I truly am drawn to this inferiority. 

What makes a human if not contradictions and conflicts?

I forgot what I told him in the end. And I don't remember what he said too. Maybe there's no answers after all.

3

Anyway, I think I got the closure I need. 

Five days after my last text, I sent him a long essay. When I said long, I meant long. Really long with 6 full paragraphs with topic sentences and elaboration. I drafted for one whole week. 

Only if I was this dedicated at work... 

I told him that I really liked him, and that's why it had been bugging me for so long. 

It was a pretty brave move, I think. Let me give myself some brownie points over here. 

I sent it out on a Saturday afternoon. He replied quickly, until the point that I was unsure if he actually read the essay.

Well, not like it should bother me. I said what I wanted to. 

His replies were still very vague. 

"Oh wow sorry I didn't realise I caused such disruption over the course of last week to you. I'm perfectly fine keeping the lines of communication open Zhen" 

"But thanks for the honesty" 

"I don't know, I think I'm just quite detached from everything. Maybe it's work commitments hmm" 

Honestly, the "Zhen" was such a big turn off. Dude can't even get my name right. But whatever. 

I was quite persistent for a clear-cut, no BS answer. 

"I'd appreciate your honesty too. You know you don't have to be all polite with me, just be clear lah if you only want to be friends, or not" 

Andddd, guess what? He put this on seen. 

At the point I didn't even feel pity or sad anymore. I just thought he was such a dick. 

So I acted like one too, after nine hours. 

"^ yep this is what I meant by I feel like I'm forcing those convos to happen lol and now I sound super petty" 

Do I feel petty, though? Nah not really. 

And he replied. 

"Hmm yea I mean let's probably stay friends or go with the flow you know?" 

"How's your weekend been coming along anyway" 

That's it. No dramatic plot twist, no happy ending. We chatted a little after, and this time, I decided not to be the last one who replied anymore. 

I still feel sad, but perhaps this is for the best. This is what I needed too, I guess. I guess. 

4

Today, I was watching Modern Family as usual. This quote hit me right at the spot: 

Why do we choose partners so different from ourselves? It's not fate or chance or cliches like, "the heart wants what the heart wants". We choose our partners because they represent the unfinished business from our childhood. And we choose them because they manifest the qualities we wish we had.

Isn't it true that I'm just looking for someone who achieved what I couldn't? Or simply, I'm just looking for my ideal self. 

When this ideal self of mine rejected me, it's like I'm being yelled at the face that I can never, ever be that person. Like a stale fact being dug out rough and nasty, and thrown into my face. 

Perhaps I'm just sad over myself. 

Archive, sunlight, goodbyes

I finally sent out the texts that had been in drafts since a day ago. 

11:16pm

"heyyy, I know it's pretty obvious, but just wanna clear things up for myself haha" 

"I guess you're not interested in taking this further anymore? haha" 

It was one tick until late night. I gave up waiting and I went to sleep. 

My company had a conference today and I needed to get there early. I woke at six something. It was still a single tick. 

To be very frank, I got sad for a little but I had little time too. 

I was slightly late to the venue. His texts came in when I was one turn away. 

8:32am

"Morningggg I don't mind getting to know you still la hahaa"

"But I did come back from work pretty late last night" 

"How's it going" 

I didn't know how I should've felt. But I did have some thoughts.

1) If he's really not interested at all, he could've just say no 

2) But then, he might be just fishing 

3) What the fuck is "I don't mind"? 

I decided I had more important stuffs, and I left them there. 

It was a long day. I got home at five something. I finally had the energy to reply - or more like, the energy to reply and be ready to let the potential meaningless emotions feed on me again. 

6:07pm

"Ok now I'm even more confused haha. Didn't think that you're keen in keeping in touch haha since you didn't text" 

"Yea I needed to co-moderate for a conference today" 

I didn't even know why I bothered to add in the second sentence. And, I think I did a pretty good job in letting him know what exactly he did to make me feel how I felt. 

But then, why the effort if the other doesn't care? 

I really didn't stalk his read status after sending out the messages. It was 100% an accident when I saw the double tick at around 8pm or something. 

I got really pissed. What are all these? 

What was I doing if not being a clown all the time? 

I could either wait until he texts back, if he does.

Or, I could just double (or actually, triple) text him to show my anger.  

What's the point of both though? 

The sadness came again and it was not letting go. I decided to go with it and I scrolled back all the conversations we had. 

It was really a wonderful conversation I ever had in such a long, long time. I really needed that.

And that's the point, isn't it? It happened, and the feelings were real. 

Nothing will ever change that. Not the fact that he left me on seen, and not my sadness now.

Life gave me the chance to realise that I can still imagine a future with someone else, that I still believe in love, that I can still feel.  

And that's more than enough. 

I decided it shall be the last scroll and I deleted that chat. 

He might text me back or he might not. It doesn't matter now. It shouldn't matter now. I matter and my feelings matter.

Not all goodbyes need to be said out loud.

I will give myself the closure that I need. And, I will thank myself for that.

Rains, floods, humidity

It's 6pm and I'm stranded in office alone. The rain was so bad that I needed to check on my car, that I parked in the basement. 

I went down and the whole street was starting to flood. It was scary. Photos and videos of floodings and traffic started to be forwarded all around in groups. It was so unsettling. 

Is it funny that my heart feels quieter when the world is in a chaos? At least, I only have to focus on the mess out there. 

The flood receded and the rain got slightly better. No replies from him yet either. 

I woke up this morning and I meditated for five minutes. It was good to have some peace. 

And yet, I still cried. The thought just came in right away without notice. 

I think I will never be good enough for the people I like. 

I know, I know. It's not true. I can find a hundred other reasons to rebut myself. I just wished it stops haunting me here and there, once in a while. I hate it. 

I should stop falling for people that make me feel little in front of. 

I drove to office this morning. All was well, except I cried a little. 

Just a little, though. I was proud of myself. 

The day was packed. I had a lot of meetings and tasks, and I drank way too much coffee to settle down my heart rate. And it started raining. I decided to stay back until the traffic got better. 

All my other colleagues went home, and I was left alone in the empty office. This is where it hit me. 

Just like the flood, the feelings came in waves. They tiptoed to me quietly and lured me to tap into it. 

I did it and it became what it is now. The flood out of the office went away but I am now drenched in tears inside.  

Dude, can't you just text me back? Just give me the false hope to get through all this. 

I am not only stranded alone in the office after all. 

Beaten, struck, sunk

I'm feeling way too sad for someone I just started talking to three days ago. 

I matched with him on CMB last Wednesday, and I sent a text first. 

Mind you, I don't usually text people first; I just thought that he might be different. 

And he really is. 

Ok, I know it totally sounds weird but he got all my attention when he asked if I work in a think tank (I put my job as "Policy Researcher" on my profile). No one ever did that. 

We had a good chat too, I think. At the very least, he did ask me for dinner that night though I couldn't make it.

I like how our conversation was not shallow at all. We actually didn't talk much about ourselves but on museums, embassies and stuffs. God damn it what are the chances?

He even called me at night too. And gosh, that British accent was so hot, despite the fact that I needed to guess 40% of what he was talking about. Oh well, I blame this cultural colonialism.

Anyway, the day ended well. We planned to meet over the weekend. 

But then, he's not someone who texts during work in the office. The time lag in his replies can go up to 4 hours. To be honest, I was a little disappointed. 

What's new, though? He's in his 30s working in a big firm with his own life. 

And I should've known that this isn't going well for me. 

After the day we talked so frequently, it felt like he's suddenly gone for two days straight. I mean, he did reply me once in a while. But who am I if not a selfish, petty guy? 

So yeah, I tried not to make myself to be too tangled over it and I planned our whole date out. Damn, isn't that what growth is? 

We met on Saturday for brunch. I took a Grab there to avoid the traffic, and I was a bit late.  

He arrived before I did. And for some reasons, I was very nervous. 

He looked exactly how he sounded: charming, intellectual, (very) extroverted. 

We, or more like he, still didn't talk a lot about ourselves. The whole conversation was very scattered. He talked about his trip to Memorial Hall of Nanjing Massacre, and I mentioned my trip to the DPRK. And next we'd talk about how languages changed our ways of thinking, how the passive voice is more common in Asian languages, and a certain South American language (OK my bad, it's the Guugu Yimithirr language found in North Queensland, Australia. Hey at least I knew about this) that uses cardinal instead of relative directions. It was fun, but it was also a bit draining (you know, sometimes you just need to have some chats without using any brain juice, amirite?). 

I felt like he lost a bit of interest whenever I talked. And I felt so dumb all the time.

I was a bit dumbstruck by the temperature, and by him. Plus, his choice of words and accent made it so hard to follow through the whole conversation and train of thought (read: "friends of Dorothy's" - which apparently means gay people, "innit", "bizarre"). At some point, this whole thing felt like his monologue, which I'm not complaining. Part of me felt very inferior in front of him. 

Oh yeah did I mention that he was a lawyer? 

He offered to drove me back home, which slightly came to my surprise. And he turned into another person in car - all of a sudden he started to flirt so much. Not like I didn't enjoy it, but I didn't take it too seriously 'cause, duh, people can flirt with anyone. To me it was just more like a fun conversation between two gay dudes. 

So, we reached our home, and we said goodbye and I left. 

No hugs, no "see you next time". Just thank you and bye. 

I didn't text him afterwards. 

Here's the thing - I was expecting his text. For the whole day I kept checking my phone and I kept feeling disappointed. I couldn't focus at all. 

I knew shit was wrong. 

I got so fucking sad and I did an analysis on myself on an A4 paper. I made a conclusion that it's because of my ego (that I need attention and like to be liked) and my nearly non-existent self-confidence (I really felt so dumb). Still, what's the solution then? 

Part of me wants him to text, but part of me knows that once he did, there's no going back. I'm doomed to be fucked up. 

I chucked up the rest of vodka I got at home, and I decided that I need to let it out. I told my friends and I typed like a storm. 

And, just as I was spilling the tea, he texted, at 12.30am. 

"Hope you're having a good Saturday so far haha" 

I was quite taken back. Is he just doing this out of politeness, or is he really thinking about me? 

Boy how I wish I had the answer. Why do I even start to date again? 

I was just getting along with myself after the fucked-up relationship last time. 

And now, I'm going through this cycle, this guessing game all over again. 

Still, I replied after 4 minutes. 

"heyyy" 

"haha yeah I worked and read a bit. How's your day?" 

His replies came 20 minutes later. He told me he had a birthday party today, and was going to a career fair and a housewarming party tomorrow. 

I tried to joke around with him. He said he was gonna find potential clients and give out name cards, and I replied,

"weird uncle vibes. jk" 

I did not see the next reply coming, 

"Hahaha as long as you liked it" 

What now? Is he trying to flirt, or just a way to reply? 

I don't know, man. 

I texted back, 

"excuse me? 

"hahaha" 

And he left me on seen until this time of writing. The exchanges ended at 1:04am. 

To be honest I didn't really feel sad about him putting me on seen. I'm not the same 21-year-old guy anymore. We have our own lives.

But, if we do, why is my heart feeling so heavy while beating so fast now? 

He occupied my mind so much today even when I was driving. I made the decision to send him a text later at night just to see how he replies. 

I know, I should ask the question more directly. 

But I'm not ready. I'm not ready for the answer. 

I also don't think I need an answer. 

I hate this feeling, a lot. I told myself I will love myself, and get along with myself. And I thought I did it. 

I stopped feeling lonely, and I stopped falling for someone else blindly. I grew, and I was stronger.

At least this is what I thought of myself. 

I told everyone else about this: Love yourself, do not let others decide your feelings, get along with your feelings.

Who knows... Deep inside I am still someone who thirsts attention and companion. 

And more importantly, I feel SO LITTLE in front of him. 

Oh dear, this isn't going anywhere good... 

I like the feeling of getting drunk. I need it now, actually. 

And all of a sudden, my vision got blurry. 

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I know I need to process this shit immediately; hence why I'm typing my random words here now. 

I want to get him out of my system, and I will get back on both on my feet firm and strong. 

I will send that text later tonight, and we will see how it goes. 

Here's to a better, stronger, wiser me ahead. It's not that hard, is it? 

海龟

 “海龟从不与海浪相争，而是巧妙利用海浪的力量。凯茜之所以无法追上它，就是因为她不顾海水的方向，自始至终都在划水。一开始，凯茜还能和海龟并驾齐驱，有时候还得放慢速度等等它。但是在反方向的海浪中，我越是用力向前游，就越是感到疲惫。等到海浪前进方向再次与她游泳方向相同时，她却没有足够的精力顺势向前了。”

最近刷小红书无意刷到这句，摘录自《世界尽头的咖啡馆》，在那么一毫秒间觉得，啊，命运的安排真是神奇。

我好需要这句话哦。

最近的一切仿佛都重新归零了。之前坚持了大概一个月，天天6.30am起床、运动、看书、学习，仿佛已经是好久远的事。这一整个月好像回到了之前行尸走肉的生活 -- 每天总是工作前半小时才匆忙惊醒（尽管已经设置了闹钟）、每天都会忍不住想要点外卖（每一天都觉得是treat yourself day）、凌晨之前想起要打卡才背的单词。怎么才上手的事情，现在看起来像从未做过？ 

我换工作了，薪水低了，也不知道自己是不是会真的比较喜欢。Manager不断挽留，升职加薪，一切我没有接触过的事情，我好矛盾哦。一方面觉得应该趁年轻多挣钱，一方面觉得应该趁年轻多探险；一方面觉得要先prioritize自己，一方面觉得要尽快赚更多钱给家人... ... 

未来也太可怕了吧，可是我才24，为什么总有一种，时日不多的感觉呢... ... 

我尝试不责怪自己了，每一天的新病例都是两万起跳，我竟然在未来不明朗的日子给自己添加了更多的不明朗。

我无意告诉我妈妈我要换工作了，她的失望，我感受到的。

没毛病的，我自己也对自己失望死了。

是不是人越大了越退缩？我没有想过这样一个决定会对自己影响如此巨大... ...真的是，一想起这件事就会忍不住overthink，然后心跳加速呼吸紧凑... ...应该不是什么anxiety attack，就是，很紧张而已。然后终于睡去之后又会不断梦见家人。哈哈有一次我梦到因为换工作薪水低的原因我被disowned了，也忘了当下觉得伤心还是可怕，只是记得情节而已。 

上周一突然好想好想喝酒，趁lunch time逃到Tesco，Tesco无货又逃到Aeon Big。也不知道哪里来的craving，现在每晚睡前都会喝上一个shot的vodka，也不知道是为了什么，一个仪式感吧。也不是说特别好喝。

不过酒后的感觉是不错的，就是这个便宜货味道普普。

谢谢观赏我的流水账。我的记忆就跟我的生活一样片段而混乱。

 Nothing works anymore

I'm so tired I want to rest but I can't do it 

I'm so exhausted if I close my eyes will the world be back to normal too 

404

 I wanna shut myself down 

Since the world has already shut itself down 

Life is taking and break and we 

Here we are, breaking the world down 

Hail humanity 

雪糕

 我昨天在超市买了一桶雪糕。之前已经犹豫了好久，都一直怕到家的时候会融化。付了钱之后，飞一样地跑回家，开门、冷藏，任务完成。

小时候，我总觉得买雪糕回家是离我很远的事。妈妈总是说冰箱不够冷，雪糕会融掉；之后换了冰箱，竟然还有了条件反射。偶尔也有想买雪糕回家的念头，可是都会告诉自己冰箱不够冷，雪糕会融掉。印象中，除了雪藏鸡肉鱼肉的walls雪糕盒，家里和雪糕就是扯不上关系。

妈妈怀孕时候有了糖尿病，从小开始全家都少碰糖。我第一次在家测量血糖应该是七岁，之前都是看妈妈一天都要拿针扎自己三次，这次终于到我了，那时候应该觉得有点兴奋吧。很清楚当时在看卡通，爸爸让我专心看荧幕，我还记得主角在吃草莓，吃着吃着，突然就哒一声，食指有一点点刺痛。这样，像完成了一场仪式。

之前都一直以为我和妹妹都有血糖过高的问题，因为遗传，所以那之后也真的很少很少吃甜食了。我记得如果真的想吃糖果，一个星期最多一颗吧，到中学也是这样。或许因为习惯了，所以也不会有特别craving的时刻；后来才知道，自己很幸运地没有遗传到这毛病，我的味觉自此却像是报复一般，竟然也开始嗜甜了起来，开始有了所谓的craving moments。

Anyway，买雪糕回家这件事对我而言还是很out of my league，这次终于买了回家，感觉又长大了一次。只不过这一次换了一个家，还有点可惜呢。

负能量！

 房间的衣柜又闹脾气了。像硬是跟我作对，滑动的门总是有问题。回到房间好累，只想好好拿件衣服，为什么要在这时候卡着？

第十次拆下衣柜门的时候我忍不住 “diu！”了一声。门还是卡着，但人是没那么烦躁了。

好奇怪哦，我们总是用负能量对抗负能量。 

今天知道爸爸真的无法继续还车的贷款了。“快打电话和你爸爸商量” —— 其实，商量什么？解决方案也不就是唯一工作的我而已吗？ 可是，已经好烦了，只好完成KPI一般打了过去。

“那个，wifi的钱你还了吗？”

“嗯，还了。”

...

“那，你是不是还不到车钱了？”

...

“嗯。”

那应该是我第一次如此近距离听到他如此无助的语气。像是面试了一百次，失败了一百零一次之后的语气，换成了入职生命的面试而已。其实也不是第一次听到他说他没钱了，不过，以前都是一旁不小心听到，听了一下就忘了。

可是这一次，就是：

“那我帮你还吧。”

也不觉得自己很伟大什么的，毕竟从小就预了今天的情况 ... 但还是好不真实哦。 还有好多呢，水电费呢？供房子的钱呢？

可是我选择不问了，希望不问就不会发生。

转了钱过去之后，明明户口还是有钱的，可是人却空了。

我还在申请硕士明年入学呢，我是不是疯了。

最近好累哦，拿着当初觉得颇高的薪水，怎知道就要几乎24小时都on call；为了赚更多外快，睡了三小时就爬起来，做一些我觉得耻辱的事，但真的赚了不少呢哈哈。今天星期六，睡到11点已经差点赶不回沙登补习。

突然想到下个月开始就应该没有补习了，怎么办。

生活怎么没有变好，只有越来越糟糕？

可是我还是好希望有人可以答应我，一切都会好起来的。

会慢慢、慢慢好起来的吧。

拜托你了，就算只有在睡梦中变好也很好了... 

diu。

我这个礼拜终于没有梦见工作了，终于不再那么害怕睡觉了。

我一直以为自己是个颇有耐性的人，买东西付款排队排好久，没关系慢慢来，收银员也是人；不是说好今天交给我的吗？没关系每个人都有自己的苦衷，等等等等。也不知道多少次了，面试问起我的strengths我总会说patient and people-oriented，一度还真的相信自己真的那么善解人意呢。 

工作开始了两个月了，现在难得有机会慢慢写一些不知所谓的东西：两个月怎么突然就没有了？可是仔细回想，不对的，中间的两个月，每一天都是新的挑战，每一天都更加知道自己有多不足，每一天，都是好难熬的一天... 

今天也是，昨天也是。

之前给自己一个期限，做了一年，存了点钱，才继续往下想吧。

毕竟，自己是个有耐性的人啊。

难道两个月就消耗了我所有的耐性吗？每天工作开始就期待中间一小时的lunch break，lunch break之后就是期待接下来的下班（虽然按时下班的机会渺茫至极）。工作表现好烂，什么都做不好，别人都说你新来的嘛总是如此，但总有一种我在这里上班了快一年的错觉，为什么别人都知道的东西，我不知道？为什么别人一句话能够理解的东西，我要问另外十个问题？是不是我配不上这份工作？

两个月前的我答应自己说，不管工作多不顺心，撑过去吧。一年而已。

谁能知道我刚刚已经申请了第二份工作，申请了master继续念书？两个月前的某一晚，知道自己得到这份看起来高薪的工作还雀跃不已。

或许是之前的我对自己没有要求而已吧。 排队好久，没关系，反正省下的时间也是会被浪费；别人交不出东西，没关系，那我就有更好的借口偷懒了。现在想起真是汗颜。那，现在“毫无耐性”的我，是好事抑或不好？

可是工作表现还是那么糟糕，错漏百出。是别人爱judge还是自己真的太烂？可是我真的好累，好累，每晚三四个小时醒来后的胸口总像有股火在烧，然后持续数小时都是想呕。好不健康啊。

“你看看我们的某某同事 ... 昨天凌晨三四点还来信息我呢，这就是为什么她可以那么成功的原因哦” 

啊

那你慢慢成功吧，我先睡了

晚安

呜呜

 原来上次看看别人的blog也是两个月前的事情了，好可怕，感觉就是浑浑噩噩地拿了一份薪资不错的job offer，浑浑噩噩地做了两个月，发现了自己好不足，自己好不知足，发现自己竟然会因为工作而哭。好多事情想做，好多事情不想做。每日都会有和自己的小辩论，该YOLO一点追求自己所想要的，还是该面对现实追求自己所需要的？

好累哦 bye bye

车衣

我撕开你送我的衣服

洒出积尘的回忆
参杂新的悔恨，交织送给自己的睡衣

这样，我入睡的时候就能

排练一百种爱你的、恨你的方式

我终于又有了美梦

醒来之后晾干梦遗一般的眼泪

爱与恨嵌入我特意留下的缝隙

每天晚上都像穿上新的西装

作待嫁的新郎

自己与自己交杯

这样谁就再也无法背叛谁

我盖起棉被像隔绝了整个雨季

抱着自己，企图

用你留下的冰冷熄灭我恨你的余烬

余烬的火最美，像

燃烧完毕后，火炭留给自己的谢幕表演

我用以前的照片喂养，

烧啊烧的，煞是好看

大口吸入乌黑的烟

品尝我们的温存，当从未吸过的鸦片

晕眩在这美丽的浓雾中吧 ... 这是

我没有你之后唯一能够爱自己的方式。

29/5

It still hurts. But whatever.

病

只是换了个方式共存

我的眼泪还在，不过成了调侃

删去了照片信息

删不走你占据脑袋的容量

无意看回以前偷拍你的影片

好陌生，我以前竟然就是对着这人在笑吗？

怎么只剩下疑惑

我在生气什么，又是在伤心什么

恨不得你暴毙死去，又

恨不得愤怒可以抹去那些不堪

只供重温美好的、欢笑的

甚至重来一遍

我想，我会是第一个一头栽入的吧

有病

无法记忆该有多好

我们都能学会珍惜当下了吧

碎碎念

以为自己当玩笑看待了，我竟然还有余力愤怒。总以为自己大量，原来，我是对自己大量吧。

回忆不多，只有些许重复的场景，却繁衍情绪交织、重叠。日复一日，无声无息。这或许是一种自我保护机制，之前怪罪自己的配给，全给了他。否认一切他给过的好，安慰自己这次是自己傻，不是无能为力。

我把最美的、最原始的感情交托了给你… 原来只是交托给命运玩弄而已。

我不再哭了...… 流的眼泪是干的。只是人类都太傻，自己才能够最爱自己呀。

我们都曾经寂寞而给对方承诺

我们都因为折磨而厌倦了生活

只是这样的日子　同样的方式　还要多久

我们改变了态度而接纳了对方

我们委屈了自己成全谁的梦想

只是这样的日子　还剩下多少　已不重要

时常想起过去的温存

它让我在夜里不会冷

你说一个人的美丽是认真

两个人能在一起是缘份

早知道是这样　像梦一场

我才不会把爱都放在同一个地方

我能原谅　你的荒唐

荒唐的是我没有办法遗忘

早知道是这样　如梦一场

我又何必把泪都锁在自己的眼眶

让你去疯　让你去狂

让你在没有我的地方坚强

让我在没有你的地方疗伤

晚安

睡吧

从今以后我

只偶尔在闭眼的时候想你

用你抱我的力度拥抱有你的梦

让它窒息

才完成破碎的仪式

给你的信的墨水早已淡去

一点留给信纸

一点留给时间消磨

风会带走有泪的笔迹

带给少了你的我

填补空虚

我叹息着温热的爱与恨

将墨水烘干

隔空的拥抱比拟新鲜的字体

你拆信的时候

窜出来的都是你错过的寂寞

都是我爱你的声息

如果你收到的话

可以再寄给我吗？

我要烧掉供奉回忆

定时点香、祈福

这样我无处安放的思念

终于得以心安

睡吧

从今以后我

只可以在闭眼的时候想你了

孟婆桥

（我今晚好伤心好伤心

好伤心好伤心呀）

你缺席的四个星期

愤怒悲伤后悔不忿快转进行

和一池的眼泪参杂 

仿佛能让人重生的泉水

我一头潜入到深处

鱼在海底哭泣的滋味如此

水中呼吸 在你的臂弯得到永生

我的眼睛早被你的剪影替代

（之前的）每一次遇见都像是初恋

我在咖啡厅用小木棒沾泡沫点你的手

你怕羞看着我笑说你好爱我

两杯拿铁，一杯灌溉我要爱你的心

一杯浇熄你爱我的热情

等价交换

世事如此

你不过按下停止键

再继续播放下一篇章

而我啊，早已碎裂满地

只能用你的谎言和情话

编织余生

是真的，是假的

还重要吗？反正

我是真的难过的

安静的时候拿出无法说出的爱你爱你

伴着哭声

假装在为你伤心

我就不寂寞了

stockholm syndrome

闲时游荡

在森林，跟随已有的步伐

沿途捡起一些

枯枝和败叶，爱液和泪

顺道割下几片灵魂

作标志，怕迷路

大树之下彷佛海底

幸运的几缕阳光逃进

总算⋯看见了你

和一袋散落的无辜和单纯

你说送我

我便与你离开

说好不能回头

说好⋯不能分开

你用爱灌注了运河

我把河水抽丝

禁锢自己

在你的身边叠砖

筑起大厦

框起了整个世界

原来河水终会干涸

挖井吧，运水吧，

总有办法的

⋯不了⋯累了你说

不要了，走了

我用袋子里仅剩的碎片

割出多余的泪腺

哭吧⋯哭出了整个海洋

竟淹没了没有你的荒原

洪水一道带走了

你无意留下的承诺，还有爱

我却仍然禁锢于此

恐怕是无法离开了